Situations... Circumstances... People

"He developed a love for poor people he could not have conceived if he had not been poor himself."

-John Steinbeck (East of Eden)

I believe that Heavenly Father puts us into different circumstances, and puts different people in our life to help mold us, help us progress, and help us better understand His love for His children. He has blessed me greatly. He has put some amazing people in my life. I do not believe that He would have put these people in my life, if He didn't want me to develop a compassion and love for them. 

One of them is my wonderfully beautiful friend, Isaac Higham. 

Aggie Football! 

Tea Party Rally (we are kindred spirit). 

 If the pictures didn't give it away, we have a lot in common. One other thing we have in common is that we are both attracted to Men. One thing we don't have in common is that he was raised LDS. Here is his story in his words.... 

”The self-fulfilling prophecy is, in the beginning, a false definition of the situation evoking a new behavior which makes the original false conception come 'true'. This specious validity of the self-fulfilling prophecy perpetuates a reign of error. For the prophet will cite the actual course of events as proof that he was right from the very beginning.”-Robert K Merton, world renowned 20th century sociologist

The above definition is exactly how I would characterize my “struggle” and my “suffering” with “same-sex attraction” in my earlier years.  Before I even knew what sex was or conceptualized the word gay or knew of the hostility the world—especially my world—had towards such a concept, I was attracted to my same gender.  I was gay.  I remember vividly my first crush in third grade.  I didn’t choose to have that crush, it just happened.

There was no struggle with that attraction and I certainly wasn’t suffering from it. There was no value judgment of superiority or inferiority.  It just was.

Unnatural. Unclean. Abomination. Next to murder. Ungodly. Unworthy. Immoral.

It wasn’t until these words were preached to my young heart from persons I was raised to hold in the highest esteem and the highest authority that the suffering and struggling started.  Church leaders spoke of those who struggle and suffer with these attractions, and because I knew I was the target of their words, I too started to stuffer.

I remember intentionally souring personal relationships with people in my life because they expressed romantic interest and I dared not simply decline out of immense fear that this would somehow give me away as one with “unclean desires”.  And so I was mean.  I was hurtful.  I pushed people away—away from me, and away from my secret.  Indeed there was pain and suffering! Oh the regret.

I remember the nights where I would lock my bedroom door, crawl into my closet, and behind the safety of the closet doors plead aloud “Lord why me? Why hast thou forsaken me? I feel so alone.  If thou will provide a way, anyway, to overcome this I will do all that you ask.”

I remember waking at 4:30 am every Tuesday morning to show God my commitment and faithfully going to the Temple to do baptisms for the dead.  I remember through the grogginess of my tired eyes being able to see the love gleaming from the eyes of the senior couples who braved the early hours to give service to their faith and realizing that my church had condemned me to never feel the joy of such a partnership.

I remember the spiritual wrestling match going thousands of rounds over hundreds of nights.

I remember so vividly each hot tear as it burned streaks down my face in the darkest hours of too many nights.

I remember once looking at my pillow one Saturday afternoon as I exchanged the used pillow case for a new freshly laundered one.  The cradle of my head was so soiled and stained, not from nocturnal drooling, but from thousands of tears consciously and unconsciously shed.  Its yellowed stained appearance as physically appalling as the spiritual angst that created it.

Just as my church leaders had prophesied, my sexual attractions did bring much suffering.

If the proverbial magic pill had existed that would have turned me straight, I would have paid any price to obtain and take such a pill.

I would not take that pill today.  No fortune, no bribe, no persuasive language could get me to willingly take that pill.  This self fulfilled prophesy of struggle and suffering has been my greatest blessing.

Because I have accepted myself and my sexual orientation I have allowed myself to associate with some of the most beautiful people I have ever met, and would have never  have allowed myself to associate with previously.  Through accepting my sexuality I have obtained a unique understanding of the feelings of the outcast, downtrodden, misunderstood, and those deemed socially or spiritually leprous.

Due to my very divine identity being challenged, I have come to truly understand and appreciate the great spiritual greeting Namaste: “The Divinity within me perceives and adores the Divinity within you.”  My world view has been expanded from what a Church and group of men preach, to truly appreciating that each soul has value, worth, and something from which I can learn and improve myself.

This improved recognition of the divinity of all persons has framed my political views and my commitment to social justice for all regardless of whatever innate or chosen differences we possess.

I love the person my acceptance of my “same gender attractions” has created.

This is not to say, however, that the self fulfilling prophecy doesn’t continue to perpetuate its struggles and sufferings in my life

I still struggle when I see an institution that has preached so much emphasis on the family woefully and inadequately prepare its members with the resources necessary to cope with such a difficult conflict between their familial love and their religious teachings.

I still struggle when I hear the news of those who were tired of the fight and choose to bow out far before their time.

I still struggle when in the darkest hours of the night the tears come again as my phone rings with a sobbing friend on the other end of the line who can barely express through their own tears their weariness, despair, and “struggle and suffering” with their attractions.

I still struggle when I see friends and loved ones who are not gay but are reviled as apostates because their consciences, life experiences, and relationships with their fellow man tell them that their church leaders are wrong on this issue.

I still struggle when these religious beliefs are used as the foundation to deny me and those I care about deeply our full legal rights.

So yes, my greatest blessing continues to be my greatest struggle.  However, that suffering has evolved from one of internalized self conflict to a struggle of my heart reaching out in compassion to those I love and to those who lack understanding.

Frederick Douglass once wisely said “If there is no struggle, there is no progress.”

So I will continue to struggle in the name of progress and growth with the hopes that one day religious leaders will stop imposing a self fulfilling prophecy of suffering upon their flock.  And I will be happy to do it.

One thing Isaac does not mention in this post is that when he turned 19, he decided to serve a mission. Out of all the places in the world our Heavenly Father could send him, he was sent to Montreal (I believe), Canada. One of the most gay-friendly communities in the world.  He ended up coming home early, and accepting himself, and learning to love himself. I am glad that I was able to see him go from a closeted homosexual to an openly gay man.I learned a lo through Isaac's circumstances and through his story. He has taught me a lot, and I am so glad that he has blessed my life. 

My views/beliefs/opinions on this subject were not developed just because of myself. They were developed because of the circumstances, and the people in my life. They were developed because of my personal prayer, and scripture study. These are things that I do not take lightly, and I know that I would have not developed these views had Heavenly Father not wanted me to. 

I won't be silient

Before, I get into my feelings on President Packer's talk this past general conference; I would first like to apologize to my family and friends that were hurt by this. I am sorry that this hurt you, but mostly I am sorry that I have stayed silent for this long. I love you all. 

In my past three years as a member of the church, General Conference has definitely become one of my favorite parts.  It is always interesting, and I truly do feel enlightened and full of joy at the end of Conference weekend. The same could not be said for this General Conference session. This is wholly due to President Packer's talk. At the end of it, I felt distant from the church. I felt that I was going to have to choose between the church, and my personal beliefs that I have taken a lot of time, and effort to develop. I felt like I was going to have to give up a part of myself, or give up the church. I have spent these last few days in tears, and complete confusion. 

I, like many other pro-gay rights mormons, felt that the church was taking steps toward bridging the gap, that so sadly was amplified during the prop 8 campaign, between members, and the LGBT community. I felt that Elder Jensen of the seventies words in that meeting, and that the acceptance of a biological, or some sort of instinctive nature towards same-sex attraction were both signs of a step in the right direction. I never expected the church to change it's stance on eternal marriage, but I definitely didn't expect an apostle of the church to get up and proclaim that being homosexual is a choice, and that fighting for marriage equality is wrong.  It is well known that gay teens are far more likely to commit suicide, and more likely to end up homeless. Why? Because they are ostracized. They are told they can change, and when they work hard, but the feelings never go over, they give up.  If there are people out there that need to feel Heavenly Father's love, it is them. I would have much preferred a talk that told parents to love their kids through thick and thin. To not throw their children out on the street when they come out, when they drink, when they tell you that they are pregnant (out of wedlock).  That is what people need to remember, that you agreed to love your children no matter what, and as a member of the church you agreed to love everybody no matter what. Or if he added in his talk that sometimes the feelings cannot be overcome. Instead, I felt that this was a  talk that would increase bigotry, and make the already horrible relationship between the LGBT community and the Church even worse. The talk may have not intended this, but as we can see by the outbreak of attention given to this talk, it did just that. 

I fight for marriage equality because I believe it is protected in our constitution. I do not believe that religious values or morals should deny anyone the freedom they so rightly deserve. With marriage comes benefits, benefits that heterosexual couples take for-granted. I cannot deny these rights to people I love. I agree with Martin Luther King Jr. when he said, "Let us consider a more concrete example of just and unjust laws. An unjust law is a code that a numerical or power majority group compels a minority group to obey but does not make binding on itself. This is difference made legal. By the same token, a just law is a code that a majority compels a minority to follow and that it is willing to follow itself. This is sameness made legal."  Denying a minority group the right to marry is unjust. Finally, I fight for it because they did NOT choose this life. No one would choose a life of ridicule, a life where they are not treated the same, a life where millions of people tell them everyday that they are going to hell. No one would want that. There is plenty of scientific proof that homosexuality is genetic. I am not going to ask someone to live a life without love, because of my religious views. That is selfish. 

I have a testimony of the church, that should not be doubted. My testimony, Harry Reid's testimony, and the testimony of countless other members who support marriage equality, should not be questioned.  I cannot stand here silent, pretending that nothing happened. If anything, I will now be more vocal, and open about my feelings for the rights of ALL people. 

I love you all, and so does God. We are His children, and not one of us is any better than the other.