Situations... Circumstances... People

"He developed a love for poor people he could not have conceived if he had not been poor himself."

-John Steinbeck (East of Eden)

I believe that Heavenly Father puts us into different circumstances, and puts different people in our life to help mold us, help us progress, and help us better understand His love for His children. He has blessed me greatly. He has put some amazing people in my life. I do not believe that He would have put these people in my life, if He didn't want me to develop a compassion and love for them. 

One of them is my wonderfully beautiful friend, Isaac Higham. 

Aggie Football! 

Tea Party Rally (we are kindred spirit). 

 If the pictures didn't give it away, we have a lot in common. One other thing we have in common is that we are both attracted to Men. One thing we don't have in common is that he was raised LDS. Here is his story in his words.... 

”The self-fulfilling prophecy is, in the beginning, a false definition of the situation evoking a new behavior which makes the original false conception come 'true'. This specious validity of the self-fulfilling prophecy perpetuates a reign of error. For the prophet will cite the actual course of events as proof that he was right from the very beginning.”-Robert K Merton, world renowned 20th century sociologist

The above definition is exactly how I would characterize my “struggle” and my “suffering” with “same-sex attraction” in my earlier years.  Before I even knew what sex was or conceptualized the word gay or knew of the hostility the world—especially my world—had towards such a concept, I was attracted to my same gender.  I was gay.  I remember vividly my first crush in third grade.  I didn’t choose to have that crush, it just happened.

There was no struggle with that attraction and I certainly wasn’t suffering from it. There was no value judgment of superiority or inferiority.  It just was.

Unnatural. Unclean. Abomination. Next to murder. Ungodly. Unworthy. Immoral.

It wasn’t until these words were preached to my young heart from persons I was raised to hold in the highest esteem and the highest authority that the suffering and struggling started.  Church leaders spoke of those who struggle and suffer with these attractions, and because I knew I was the target of their words, I too started to stuffer.

I remember intentionally souring personal relationships with people in my life because they expressed romantic interest and I dared not simply decline out of immense fear that this would somehow give me away as one with “unclean desires”.  And so I was mean.  I was hurtful.  I pushed people away—away from me, and away from my secret.  Indeed there was pain and suffering! Oh the regret.

I remember the nights where I would lock my bedroom door, crawl into my closet, and behind the safety of the closet doors plead aloud “Lord why me? Why hast thou forsaken me? I feel so alone.  If thou will provide a way, anyway, to overcome this I will do all that you ask.”

I remember waking at 4:30 am every Tuesday morning to show God my commitment and faithfully going to the Temple to do baptisms for the dead.  I remember through the grogginess of my tired eyes being able to see the love gleaming from the eyes of the senior couples who braved the early hours to give service to their faith and realizing that my church had condemned me to never feel the joy of such a partnership.

I remember the spiritual wrestling match going thousands of rounds over hundreds of nights.

I remember so vividly each hot tear as it burned streaks down my face in the darkest hours of too many nights.

I remember once looking at my pillow one Saturday afternoon as I exchanged the used pillow case for a new freshly laundered one.  The cradle of my head was so soiled and stained, not from nocturnal drooling, but from thousands of tears consciously and unconsciously shed.  Its yellowed stained appearance as physically appalling as the spiritual angst that created it.

Just as my church leaders had prophesied, my sexual attractions did bring much suffering.

If the proverbial magic pill had existed that would have turned me straight, I would have paid any price to obtain and take such a pill.

I would not take that pill today.  No fortune, no bribe, no persuasive language could get me to willingly take that pill.  This self fulfilled prophesy of struggle and suffering has been my greatest blessing.

Because I have accepted myself and my sexual orientation I have allowed myself to associate with some of the most beautiful people I have ever met, and would have never  have allowed myself to associate with previously.  Through accepting my sexuality I have obtained a unique understanding of the feelings of the outcast, downtrodden, misunderstood, and those deemed socially or spiritually leprous.

Due to my very divine identity being challenged, I have come to truly understand and appreciate the great spiritual greeting Namaste: “The Divinity within me perceives and adores the Divinity within you.”  My world view has been expanded from what a Church and group of men preach, to truly appreciating that each soul has value, worth, and something from which I can learn and improve myself.

This improved recognition of the divinity of all persons has framed my political views and my commitment to social justice for all regardless of whatever innate or chosen differences we possess.

I love the person my acceptance of my “same gender attractions” has created.

This is not to say, however, that the self fulfilling prophecy doesn’t continue to perpetuate its struggles and sufferings in my life

I still struggle when I see an institution that has preached so much emphasis on the family woefully and inadequately prepare its members with the resources necessary to cope with such a difficult conflict between their familial love and their religious teachings.

I still struggle when I hear the news of those who were tired of the fight and choose to bow out far before their time.

I still struggle when in the darkest hours of the night the tears come again as my phone rings with a sobbing friend on the other end of the line who can barely express through their own tears their weariness, despair, and “struggle and suffering” with their attractions.

I still struggle when I see friends and loved ones who are not gay but are reviled as apostates because their consciences, life experiences, and relationships with their fellow man tell them that their church leaders are wrong on this issue.

I still struggle when these religious beliefs are used as the foundation to deny me and those I care about deeply our full legal rights.

So yes, my greatest blessing continues to be my greatest struggle.  However, that suffering has evolved from one of internalized self conflict to a struggle of my heart reaching out in compassion to those I love and to those who lack understanding.

Frederick Douglass once wisely said “If there is no struggle, there is no progress.”

So I will continue to struggle in the name of progress and growth with the hopes that one day religious leaders will stop imposing a self fulfilling prophecy of suffering upon their flock.  And I will be happy to do it.

One thing Isaac does not mention in this post is that when he turned 19, he decided to serve a mission. Out of all the places in the world our Heavenly Father could send him, he was sent to Montreal (I believe), Canada. One of the most gay-friendly communities in the world.  He ended up coming home early, and accepting himself, and learning to love himself. I am glad that I was able to see him go from a closeted homosexual to an openly gay man.I learned a lo through Isaac's circumstances and through his story. He has taught me a lot, and I am so glad that he has blessed my life. 

My views/beliefs/opinions on this subject were not developed just because of myself. They were developed because of the circumstances, and the people in my life. They were developed because of my personal prayer, and scripture study. These are things that I do not take lightly, and I know that I would have not developed these views had Heavenly Father not wanted me to. 

I won't be silient

Before, I get into my feelings on President Packer's talk this past general conference; I would first like to apologize to my family and friends that were hurt by this. I am sorry that this hurt you, but mostly I am sorry that I have stayed silent for this long. I love you all. 

In my past three years as a member of the church, General Conference has definitely become one of my favorite parts.  It is always interesting, and I truly do feel enlightened and full of joy at the end of Conference weekend. The same could not be said for this General Conference session. This is wholly due to President Packer's talk. At the end of it, I felt distant from the church. I felt that I was going to have to choose between the church, and my personal beliefs that I have taken a lot of time, and effort to develop. I felt like I was going to have to give up a part of myself, or give up the church. I have spent these last few days in tears, and complete confusion. 

I, like many other pro-gay rights mormons, felt that the church was taking steps toward bridging the gap, that so sadly was amplified during the prop 8 campaign, between members, and the LGBT community. I felt that Elder Jensen of the seventies words in that meeting, and that the acceptance of a biological, or some sort of instinctive nature towards same-sex attraction were both signs of a step in the right direction. I never expected the church to change it's stance on eternal marriage, but I definitely didn't expect an apostle of the church to get up and proclaim that being homosexual is a choice, and that fighting for marriage equality is wrong.  It is well known that gay teens are far more likely to commit suicide, and more likely to end up homeless. Why? Because they are ostracized. They are told they can change, and when they work hard, but the feelings never go over, they give up.  If there are people out there that need to feel Heavenly Father's love, it is them. I would have much preferred a talk that told parents to love their kids through thick and thin. To not throw their children out on the street when they come out, when they drink, when they tell you that they are pregnant (out of wedlock).  That is what people need to remember, that you agreed to love your children no matter what, and as a member of the church you agreed to love everybody no matter what. Or if he added in his talk that sometimes the feelings cannot be overcome. Instead, I felt that this was a  talk that would increase bigotry, and make the already horrible relationship between the LGBT community and the Church even worse. The talk may have not intended this, but as we can see by the outbreak of attention given to this talk, it did just that. 

I fight for marriage equality because I believe it is protected in our constitution. I do not believe that religious values or morals should deny anyone the freedom they so rightly deserve. With marriage comes benefits, benefits that heterosexual couples take for-granted. I cannot deny these rights to people I love. I agree with Martin Luther King Jr. when he said, "Let us consider a more concrete example of just and unjust laws. An unjust law is a code that a numerical or power majority group compels a minority group to obey but does not make binding on itself. This is difference made legal. By the same token, a just law is a code that a majority compels a minority to follow and that it is willing to follow itself. This is sameness made legal."  Denying a minority group the right to marry is unjust. Finally, I fight for it because they did NOT choose this life. No one would choose a life of ridicule, a life where they are not treated the same, a life where millions of people tell them everyday that they are going to hell. No one would want that. There is plenty of scientific proof that homosexuality is genetic. I am not going to ask someone to live a life without love, because of my religious views. That is selfish. 

I have a testimony of the church, that should not be doubted. My testimony, Harry Reid's testimony, and the testimony of countless other members who support marriage equality, should not be questioned.  I cannot stand here silent, pretending that nothing happened. If anything, I will now be more vocal, and open about my feelings for the rights of ALL people. 

I love you all, and so does God. We are His children, and not one of us is any better than the other. 

Let's get political, political!

I love the idea of a grass roots organization getting together and rallying to persuade elected officials. I love the fact, that as Americans, we have a right to do just that. I wish more people were involved with the political system, and would inform themselves on the candidates, and issues.

Yet, I still have a major problem with the Tea Partiers (Tea-Baggers/Donkey-Punchers).

This has nothing to do with the fact that we don't agree on certain issues. I think conflict is good when making decisions. I believe that it enhances creativity, if it is HEALTHY conflict, and that is my main problem, they are not creating HEALTHY conflict.

For example, I am a fan of HCR (health care reform), because I believe that health care is a right not a privilege. I  would like to stop the insurance companies from treating people like all they are is a dollar sign, and  start treating them like human beings. I love that I have health care right now, even though I do not have a job with benefits, and I graduated from college in May. If I didn't have health care now, I would be in massive debt (Europe +banana chips + tooth).

Now, another person may disagree with HCR. Instead of claiming it to be socialism/communism, and using words that induce fear. The disagreement should focus on the cost of HCR, or what not. Something that isn't meant to put fear into the hearts of Americans, but instead something that will educate them.

Whether it was a liberal saying Gerorge W. Bush was a facist/Hitler, or a conservitive saying Obama is a communist/socialist/Hitler; it was/is not good for America. It doesn't give people the time to look at the facts, and make decisions for themselves. Instead, it causes people to tend to hate "the others." If a republican was to sit down, and listen to my opinion on issues, and also share theirs with me. It would do more good for both of us, then them calling me an "elitist," and me calling them a "bigot." Right? We would understand each others views, and maybe see the benefits of their views, and better see the faults of our own, or  maybe neither of our minds would change, but we probably wouldn't be questioning the others character like we are toda, and instead have some respect for the other. 

When I sit down and look at all the men who have been the president; I do not believe one of those men ran, or made decisions, with the intent to ruin America. All of them believed that they could help, and they all loved their country. This is why the tea-party disgusts me. They are constantly saying that Obama is doing these things because he is Muslim, and that he is out to make the USA into a communist country. He isn't! Questioning character and creating fear in politics does no good. Questioning actions/ideas, and educating yourself on issues does wonders. Please, make healthy conflict.

It's time for the conservatives to turn off Glenn Beck, and the rest of the Fox News team, and it is time for liberals to turn off Keith Olberman, and the rest of the MSNBC team. It's time for us as Americans to educate ourselves, and talk to each other. Educate ourselves on what the "other" believes, and why.

Summer list

This is what I wanted to do over the summer, and what I did....

Read 10 books (4 down, 6 to go)

I believe that I read 7 books, so not quite but almost. I started probably 15. 

Look for a job

I thought this would be the last thing I would accomplish, because I wasn't really planning on doing any "looking." Luckily for me, the job came to me. I will be doing the accounting for the SLC Spoon Me, and working there on occasion. Yay, for brother-in-laws! 

Teach Chaz to play fetch

This is tough! He will run, and get the ball, but he doesn't like bringing it back to you. He does like it when you chase him to get the ball back though. 

Go to Lagoon

Done! Dan and i went to Galoon! I love it there, but it needs more ROLLER COASTERS, and less jerky rides. I left with a headache. 

See my friends

I saw a good majority of my friends, so I guess it was accomplished. 

Go to Logan

As seen in the previous post, I made a trip to Logan. We ate at Le None's and it was delicious. Mmmmm sliced ahi, and bruschetta. 

Go on a trip

I love my life! This summer was the summer of vacation. I went to Europe (as can be seen by posts through the month of May), and went to Denver (thrice), and made a trip to Dallas that included a trip to OKC! I am going to Denver again on October 8! Can't wait! The Dallas trip was technically the first week after Summer. That is if summer is determined by when school (that I am not in) starts again. 

Eat more sushi

Above and beyond accomplished! I think I went to all you can eat sushi at least 3 times after the "Summer list" post, and went out probably another 4 times. I love sushi sooooo much. 

Go to a concert

The Twilight Series was great as usual! I also went to Tim McGraw, and Jack Johnson! 

Take Chaz on a hike

Sadly, this was not accomplished. Poor Chaz still hasn't gone on a hike. 

Go to a waterpark

This also wasn't accomplished. No water parks for me, but a few swimming pools.

Go on a bike ride

One more no. Unless you count riding a bike at the gym. 

Although the last three were not accomplished, this summer was still fantastic! The best part was probably all the vacationing. I think I will continue to make trips a part of my lifestyle. Pictures, and more details of the Dallas trip coming soon! 

Adios! 

"Chaz!! Chaz is his name, if you please!"

If you don't believe me, ask anyone of the fleas...

CHAZ!!!!

If you haven't met my puppy, then you are missing out! Dan and I got Chaz at the end of June. He is a mini schnauzer and beagle mix. He is a little over three months old. I love him!

Here are a few pictures to make you also fall in love with him.

Here he is riding with my nephews (Isaiah and Noah).

He is so good with them, and they love him so very much. They call him "Chazzy-boy."

The other day Dan and I went to Logan with him, so of course we snapped

a few shots of him by our favorite Aggie locations.



He has eyes like Puss in Boots from Shrek. It is so hard to say, "no" to this boy.

That is Chaz, Dan and I's illegitimate puppy. He would love to meet you!

In other news I have crossed a few things off my summer list (going to Logan), and will blog about all of them shortly!

This Summer

The Summer is almost over, and there are still a few thing that I want to do.

Like...

Read 10 books (4 down, 6 to go)

Look for a job

Teach Chaz to play fetch

Go to Lagoon

See my friends

Go to Logan

Go on a trip

Eat more sushi

Go to a concert

Take Chaz on a hike

Go to a waterpark

Go on a bike ride


.... I believe I will accomplish all of these things, except maybe look for a job. I will let you know as I cross things off the list.

Twilight Intervention

Dear Twifans, Twilighters, and any other ridiculous name you call yourself:

Twilight is a horrible excuse for literature!
Here is why...

First, to lighten the mood, and maybe find some common ground, let me start off by saying I love to read, and I love when other people are inspired to read. I think daily reading is important for everyone especially children. This is why at first, I was fine with Twilight thinking, "This is getting young girls to read all over the country.That is fantastic!" Then I read Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse. My mind completely changed. This book is teaching young girls the exact opposite of what they need to know. I don't understand how any woman could read a book about a teenage girl who is so desperate for a boyfriend, she puts up with an egocentric, and emotionally abusive vampire.

Reliance and complete submission to a man is something that no one should want their daughter to learn, unless you are a fundamentalist Muslim, who is a member of the Al-Qaeda (Thanks, Onion).

Al-Qaeda Calls Off Attack On Nation's Capitol To Spare Life Of 'Twilight' Author

Bella becomes so ridiculously reliant on Edward that when he leaves, she will risk her own life just to get a glimpse of him, or feel somewhat close to him. She wants to risk her family, and mortality to be with this man, who continues to tell her how weak and clumsy she is. Not only that, but this "man" is the one person who wants to drain her of her blood the most. The best analogy I can think of for Bella and Edwards relationship is the relationship between Sushi and me. I love sushi! It tastes and smells so good, but if there was only one plate of sushi left in the world, and I had it. I wouldn't want to quickly eat it all. No no no! I would want to savor it forever, and be able to constantly have that delicious treat by my side. That my friends, is true love according to Twilight. Bella is Edward's sushi, and quite possibly the last of the sushi in the world. He cannot eat it, because then sushi will be completely gone, but he wants to so bad. This is definitely not Edwards fault for having this dilemma, no it is all Bella's , and he is going to let her know that. IF he ever succumbs to his desires, and sucks her dry then it is her fault for hanging around him.

In the end Twilight took 200 hundred years of work, and threw it down the drain. It made sense that junior high and teenage girls loved this book, and thought the world of Edward because that is what girls of that age believe love is. Now, that old women, who have been married for 10+ years fall in love with Edward, and wish their husband was like Edward, and teach their children through their actions that this is the "dream" relationship. It not only belittles their relationship with their spouse, but truly alters their daughters perception of what a real man is.

Twilight is a book starring a woman, but instead of her taking on the role of heroine, or finding any inner strength; she submits herself to a man, and allows him to completely take care of her. What would happen to Bella if Edward was ever out of her life? She would probably shrivel up into a ball, and die because Bella is a woman, and women are nothing without men. Thanks, Twilight for this new life lesson.

I disagree with censorship, but I don't think any of my future daughters will lay a hand on Twilight. Harry Potter, why the freak did you have to end!